Nick Cave - His Writings, Your Fanfiction & Dreams (crow_jane) wrote in obsessivefanfic,
Nick Cave - His Writings, Your Fanfiction & Dreams
crow_jane
obsessivefanfic

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Me again...

I'd better introuduce myself before I go any further - my name is crow_jane and I'm a Blixa Bargeld junkie (you know, the guy from the Bad Seeds, Nick Cave's band?)- and you can have a good look at the target of my obsessive tendencies here.
This takes me to the following: here is something I've taken from a forum I was on. Its a weird attempt of fan-fiction from me - especially since the topic of the thread was supposed about somebody else (P.J.Harvey, if there are any P.J obsessives reading this), but the folk on the forum were cool about it & didnt seem to mind - maybe they 'understood' ;) even if I did take over the story just a little bit, but never mind. I've posted it here, starting from the point when I first joined in. Usernames have been changed to protect the curious, although I wont be able to fool anyone...

Topic: @ the P.J.H dinner party
(starting from my first post in the topic)

ME
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As Idiot was busy vaporising the party members using
his customised atomic fart-ray, (ME) was busy
slacking away at the International underground spy
radar station. Strange. Suddenly the party
re-animates. Turning to monitor no.5 she caught a
fleeting glimpse of a tall dark clad figure retreating
into the woods. Not the boy with the fart gun, thats
for sure(amused that he who wielded such an instrument
of evil failed to take the adequate precautions.
Gassed himself, the fool)- No, who could it be? Who is
this tall, strangely magnetic figure with the red
right hand & those weird powers of resurrection.
(ME) was *sure* she saw him pass Elven queen that
great big flask of life preserving wine. Why did Polly
turn her head just for a moment, when he departed like
a flash of shadow......?

Tori
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(ME) looked into her glass globe and saw..........
Nick Cave... or was it someone else??????? Someone who
wanted to look as Nick...
(ME)putted her leather uniform on and opened a
secret door... she walked through a corridor and
entered the forest...
Then she...

ME
...thought Man, this uniform looks pretty cool on me.

Venturing further into the woods, she noticed a
disturbance in some bushes by a nearby riverbank.
Investigating with caution, she was shocked to notice
that there was a poor wee lad (about 43 years old, 6ft
2inches tall, in a black pinstriped suit,straw hat,
sunnies and tiny little goatee)who appeared to be lost
and disorientated. She came over to him and asked him
gently if he was lost. "I am" he sobbed, in a somewhat
German accented voice. "I just vant to go home"
[(ME) was not paying attention to the fact that
he had started to hypnotically bat his eylashes at
her]"Do you want to take you to the policeman so he
can help you?" She said. "NEIN!!!...uh,uhm..no no" he
replied, "I Think I'm[sob]*really* lost"(his eyelashes
began batting into a more seductive tempo). "Whats
your name?" she asked gently.."Uhm.." he said, looking
down at his perfectly cut lapel with the letters
'B.B.'on a brass pin there.."I dont knowh![sob]I dont
knowh!![sob] I haff forgotten my name!![howls]Please
help me!! I haff forgotten my name!![weeping]"
(ME)was struck with a blow of pity for this
poor lost child with the policeman phobia and oddly
fluttery eyelashes who clearly was in desperate need.
She decided to temporarily put aside the investigation
of the shadowy stranger to take this kid home and
restore him to his parents. Maybe they could help him
find his name.
"C'mon" she said, holding out her hand to him, "come
home with me, I run a safe house that kids can come to
if they get into trouble. I'll take you home & after
youve had some Ovaltine and sandwiches I'll help you
to find your mum"" Uhm, do you have any dry red
wine,und maybe some garlic prawns?"
he asked "..well, I think I have some prawns, but I'll
pick up some wine at the bottle shop on the way home,
your parents can pay me back when they come" said
(ME)as they made their way towards the 7-11
shopping center just by the edge of the forest. "Whats
that your carrying in your hand?" she said, looking at
the old guitar case he was holding. It had a sticker
reading: 'Property of the Bad Seeds, Nick cave tour
2002'. "Maybe that might tell me who you are" "You
think Ihm Nick Cave?" said he, sounding puzzled (as he
ran the tip of his tongue over the pointy vampire
fangs he carefully kept hidden from (ME)'s
view. This was *too* easy)"Do you hahve a
cigarrete?""You mean those candy fags?" said she.

Meanwhile, back at tea party base camp, Polly Jean was
busy helping Tori, Jimi and the others fix up the refreshments.
Some of the scones and vol au vents
needed to be thrown out after being tainted by the
Idiot's fart-ray, but a few people had remembered to
bring a plate so there was no problem here.

750 revs noticed that Polly seemed distracted
since the visitation by the stranger. "Whats wrong?"
she said."I'm certain that was Nick out there" she
replied. "Suzie said he often goes out wandering in
all sorts of weather & she gets worried about him.
There's been reports of a Vampire German Guitar player
lurking in the region luring people to take him home.
If there's anybody in the party who knows the woods
*really* well, I'd like them to volunteer to track him
so we can take him back here where its safe, and I'm
sure he would be starving by now"
Tori was interested - "But arn't vampires
destroyed by sunlight?" "He's wearing magical sunnies" Polly
replied. "They protect him. Anyone fancy a touch of
brandy in the whipped cream?"

Banshee
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Banshee somehow slinks into the scene
without anybody noticing. fashionably late and tired
from her journey she finds the big red couch in the corner
and settles into it and begins to write in her notebook.

Tori
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Tori jumps on the table and grabs the mic
and asks whowants to join her for a walk through the forest...
'We have to make that everything's safe!!!', she
said...
'Now I just know who we can use... Elven queen with her
mystical preserving-wine, Dragonfly with her suspicious
mind and her hearing like bats, 750 revs with
her magical words and songs, Queen of boredom and Jimi
with their flying guitars, Goddess with her brains,
Aragorn (just 'cos he's a prince), Aquaman (well 'cos he's the oldest...), Mutt
with is MAD DOG, (ME)...
'cos she's our Strange and mystical one and Tori with her unhuman power...
Hmmm should we ask Idiot
for his farts... nope we don't need that, we only would
attract the bad people with it... '

'We also need some clever people to stay with our
queen, Polly... Am sure Yoda,Gandalf,Boromir,
(ME)and Banshee can do the defending bit... '
'Could someone get (ME), she should know about
our mission!'

'So what will it be guys and how will we start this
operation?' Tori asks...

Mystic
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this operation needs pink champagne says Mystic.
Floating in on his magic rug his secret guest gently
moving through another melody. Ms. Amos sips some more
pink champagne and tilts her head back, winks at Tori
'long time no see sister!' and walks over to the
supper group. With the group complete and Richards
carpet hovering upside down plans begin to become
beautiful patterns around PJ's head....

ME
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As the party was conferring in the woods, (ME)
had arrived home with the lost boy that she had found
by the riverside. His parents must have had money, he
was very fussy in the bottle shop about what wine he
wanted & she ended up spending much more than she
intended, but man that was a monster of a tantrum he
threw in there!(her ears were still ringing from that
weird & glass-shattering screech he kept doing)
AND to make it worse she ended up blowing half her
bill money on an extra 3 bags of frozen prawns because
it turned out what she had wasnt going to enough to
feed him. This 'little boy' was turning out to be
*extremely* high-maintainance!
....And there was something else, too. He seemed to
have an odd fascination for red colored liquids. She
had to keep dragging him away from the red Gatorade,
the Rasberry cordial, the tomato juice, the cranberry
flagons..and he also kept gazing longingly at people's
necks("I just vant to haff a look aht them!!"). She
was suspecting he might have picked up a few unsavoury
habits at school, and she decided to have a word with
his parents about it.
Meanwhile, outside the supermarket someone was giving
away samples of a new brand of tea to promote it. It
had different flavours, lemon, orange,
apple...rasberry. Somehow, the color of *this*
rasberry tea seemed unusual...it was like an almost
*blood* red. As (ME) was busy in the checkout
the 'lost boy' was drawn to the sample stall. That red
liquid looked so...appetising. He felt so...HUNGRY!
Unable to help himself, he moved over to the tea
table, unable to control the pointy little fangs as
they started to emerge from his mouth...
(ME)had just gotten the docket when the radio
at the supermarket began to play a PJ Harvey song,
"Down by the water". She realised she had forgotten to
check on the 'Lost Boy' she found by the river!! He
might have gotten lost again!! Looking frantically
around, she saw one of the freakiest things in her
life - as the song was playing every loudspeaker
seemed to be sprouting beautiful patterns in the air,
and somehow she felt there were plans hidden in those
patterns, but she didnt know how to read them. That
was when a tall shadowy figure loomed up behind her
and spoke "I know the meanings of those patterns, and
they tell me you must return to the forest with me as
you are required there". She turned around - It was
the Stranger with the Red Right Hand! How did he find
her! "Excuse me" he said, turning to the commotion at
the tea-stall. "Blixa! when your finished with the tea
lady could you come over here? We need to go now!" The
'Lost Boy' looked up from his vampiric tea-frenzy and
answered "Just hang ohn! - I need to get my guitar!"
The truth was starting to dawn on (ME)
- "You mean to say I bought all these %&#@*#@*!?! prawns for
NOTHING!!??!"

Gandalf
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I would have made a witty, imaginative reply to this
thread long ago but I'm still frozen in a catatonic
state of drooling, bug-eyed shock:
I'M AT A DINNER PARTY WITH PJ HARVEY, DAMMIT!!!

And she looks so pretty in the flesh!

Mephisto
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...all this time Mephisto has been trying
to talk to people but to no avail.It is quite impossible to
penetrate the "caustic b*astard" aura which spreads 25
ft around him.After 6 shots of famous grouse the field
of repulsion drops..he makes a pass at Tori,
succeeds, then flees when she starts to tell him
of her dream wedding for the third time in 12 minutes.
Mephisto meets Jimi,
they shake hands,the combined
forces of malevolence and disgruntlement cause a
mighty thunder-clap and flash of light.All that
remains is a pair of steel-toe timberlands and Jimi's
carpet-slippers smouldering in a crater.Polly breaks
down and runs back to Dorset,Dragonfly,hammered on
Stella-Artois asked her how things were going with
Nick Cave..shortly before nutting Mr.Gallo for
cheating at twister.It is around now that the knives
come out....

Bladerunner
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somebody say "knives"?!?!?!
hehehe... Bladerunner takes off
invisabilty robe and swings her 30 cm. kitchen knife
frantically at all directions.
then she remmembers she is not at all a
violent person. she turns back time with her 4
dimentional time-reverser, so much in fact she brings
polly back from dorset, and is now playing back up on
violin to polly who just HAD to play plants and rags
when inspired by Bladerunner's ability to turn
back the wheels of time. now someone has to come up with
a plan still, no? ...

Goddess
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then Goddess gave out the party bags
which were full of shiney things and everyone went yay yay
except for Idiot who went outside to be
sick after having drunk
far too mucho............................

ME
-------------------------------------------------------------------
which was about the time that a hot pink volkswagon
convertible pulled up at the party site. Four people
came out, The tall handsome stranger(after wiping the
red stuff from his right hand off on the fluffy dice
that hung above steering wheel),(ME)
carrying 3 bags of half-thawed prawns & 1 bottle of extremely
expensive red wine, the 'lost boy' and the tea lady from
the supermarket (who was hanging off'lost boy's' arm as they
were making fluttery eyes at each other)"I think if you
started the barbeque up straight away the prawns should cook ok" said Nick.

Tori
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Tori runs over to (ME):
'Where have you been?
We have a major problem... There was someone lurking
about in that forest... So we thought of having a look
there...'

Mephisto
-------------------------------------------------------------------
...It was Mephisto,partially exploded,
they looked to his hand in it was...
"poptrash" by Duran Duran.He screamed
"dont look at me!!".He then ran off into the murky
forest..it was then that Simon Le Bon pulled him into
the back of a van and took off.Could the rest of the
Scooby gang save him?..........

ME
-------------------------------------------------------------------
As Nick greased the barbeque plate & tossed the prawns
around in a bit of the red wine & some pepper & garlic
he yelled out to Blixa(the 'lost-boy')to find that
long match they use for lighting barbeques. After
lighting the coals & letting the plate heat up to cook
he wandered up to Tori & (ME) and spoke to them
- "who is this person you spoke of lurking in the
woods?" "We thought it was you" said (ME).
"There was also talk about a vampire" said Tori "you
mean him?" said Nick as he gestured to Blixa who at
the moment was busy attending to the tea-lady."By the
way", said Nick, "Where's Polly?"

The kid
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Before Polly could respond to Nick' all of a sudden
The kid enters the ballroom with none other than Idiot at his side well' Polly
could not believe what.....

Banshee
-------------------------------------------------------------------
... what Idiot was wearing! Head to toe in hot pink
fetish clothing! everyone's attention turned to Idiot
and....

Tori
-------------------------------------------------------------------
they all looked like this... Hmmm said Tori, never
knew you could be beautiful...
Everybody was eating and dancing... when suddenly...
Goddess starts screaming: 'There's a dead woman in
the toilets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Goddess
-------------------------------------------------------------------

quote:
--------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Tori:
they all looked like this... Hmmm said Tori,
never knew you could be beautiful...
Everybody was eating and dancing... when suddently...
Goddess starts screaming: 'There's a dead woman in
the toilets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
--------------------------------------------
How come I get the toilet scene??? HMMMMM

Dragonfly
-------------------------------------------------------------------
so everyone runs to the toilets, Goddess in lead,
and then the S h i t Monster arrives (<< wink )... (sorry to make
this gross , you can always change the suite )

ME
-------------------------------------------------------------------
It began to dawn on Blixa that he may have gone a
little overboard (vampirically, of course) with that
girl with the nice tea that he picked up from the
supermarket....
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